What can keep one so attracted to the gloomy, the morbid, the mysterious, the mortal?
I am perfectly aware that this amount of text is overwhelming for the average Internet-surfer; feel free to skip as much as you like.
I assume that, possibly, this attraction of mine might be related to the fact that my childhood was, in most part, spent in social isolation from my peers—mostly due to lingual and cultural barriers, I suppose—after my parents migrated with me to a foreign country when I was 4-years-old. It’s not necessarily so, however. The Freudian Death Drive often comes to mind when I speculate on this question. The question cannot be analysed thoroughly by you without me providing you with further information of this attraction’s manifestation in my life. 😐
Since childhood I’ve been a rather bizarre chap. My earliest memory of such a fascination is from the time when I was 5-years-old. Then I sometimes enjoyed to imitate the Byronic hero, dressing in dark clothing and trying to seem extraordinarily and eccentrically indifferent to everything, and I even remember an attempt to build a coffin for myself, being inspired by Bram Stoker’s story of ‘Count Dracula’; nevertheless, of course that, at that time, no matter how strongly I tried to look emotionless, the childish character always overtook me, hehe. ^_^
By the age of 7, I became literally obsessed with the Christian concept of the devil and the eschatological symbolism of the Apocalypse of John. Later I also got into Norse mythology, religions of the African diaspora and the such, but at that time it was mostly about Christianity; which, unfortunately, didn’t mean to me anything but carving reversed pentagrams and pentacles on wood, signing them with the ‘Number of the Beast’. I remember how my eyes glowed with delight when, still aged 7, in my parent’s bedroom I discovered a tarot card depicting the Devil. I was taken several times to psychologists by my parents because my parents were concerned about the recurring motive of bloodshed and torture in my drawings (although I was excellent at drawing, let me boast). ;-P
With the arrival of puberty I began searching myself in the world, experimenting with such things as sex and drugs. It was not until the age of 12 that I awoke with the realisation of the futility of all human endeavour. It triggered that which I would define as an existential crisis, manifesting brightly for a period of about a year or so (including suicidal thoughts, mind you). At that time I took an atheistic, anti-Christian position, also adopting an Epicurean or LaVeyan kind of hedonism. A year later, though, I tried living my life for some time as a religious theist after being initiated into my father’s Hassidic Judaism. “Vanity of vanities, saith the Preacher, vanity of vanities; all is vanity.” (Ecclesiastes 1:2) :-\
If you’re wondering where I am now, I’m 16-years-old and currently residing in Ukraine with my grandmother—fascinated with various philosophies and religions such as Thelema, spiritually oriented as agnostic, nihilistic, hedonistic, pragmatic, mystic—consciously bisexual, not very social but not isolated either—an aesthetic appreciation of the introverted sides of life, albeit without rejection of the extroverted pleasures it offers—hoping to use appropriately the time left for me upon this earth. o_o
Curiously, this attraction—fascination, interest, drive, call it as you will—has undoubtedly influenced my personality in many aspects; for example, my tastes in clothing, music, literature and film. As a retrophile, I admire Gothic architecture for its beauty and grandiosity, for its sense of mystery and a vibe of aristocratic arrogance. My favourite deity is, perhaps, Loki or Dhumavati or Maržanna, the last being the goddess of death in my native pantheon, although I do have ‘brighter’ deities in my favourites. I like pale skin and, on some people, even dark circles underneath their eyes. Obviously, my favourite bird is the raven (yeah, like in that Allan Poe poem), and I’m considering to adopt a black cat, naming it ‘Lucifer’ (humorously, I got the idea from the 1950 Cinderella film). I don’t like exposure to sunshine, so summer is definitely not my favourite season; that title is taken by autumn. Aye, how glorious is she, the fair maiden Autumn, the season of Nature’s moribund! =D
What doth it mean?
@Abomination of Desolation, I replied to you in my duplicate post hereof. Contact me if you would like to continue the discussion.
Let me put forth an assumption concerning the stance of the supernatural or the paranormal in this sketch. The supernatural represents the unknown, which is represented by unconsciousness or oblivion, which is represented by death; it might be thus linked to ‘Todestrieb’, the death drive. I can see the connexion. Howbeit, I surely have no intentions to repress my attraction to things of this kind: even if the attraction is indeed related to an unhealthy morbidity, it is almost certainly a symptom, not a cause—a symptom of, perhaps, an unreserved flaw. I’m not stressed about this, and I have other plans for now. Farewell! and have fun.
@~Scorpios Rule~, @Mooseseatto suspended,
See the above.
Suggestion by Mooseseatto suspended
I’d guess it’s the mystery of that stuff that attracts you.
Suggestion by ~Scorpios Rule~
id guess its the not knowing of an outcome that excites you, it gives you something to explore, uppose to when you were younger you had no choice in what was going to happen!
Suggestion by gldjns
You are undoubtedly very intellectual. You also have a great perception of things morbid and supernatural. It is not stemmed from negativity, but curiosity about the world of which we know very little, and the fascination of that world. It’s too bad that the supernatural had been given some bad connotation because it is in direct opposition of what the Bible teaches; good conquering evil.
I suggest you continue to explore all the avenues of that world, and to be able to speak intellectually about it. You have the makings of a great speaker or author of the subject, if indeed you aren’t one already! And if people call you the prodigy of the underworld, just flash your fangs at them. Only kidding. Good luck!
Teaser video for the upcoming Sacred World Oracle deck by Kris Waldherr, creator of The Goddess Tarot and other best-selling and award-winning card decks. Learn more and try a free oracle reading at www.SacredWorldOracle.com. Music soundtrack by AlmaNova.